The Star Fox Letters
by John Farragut
Summary: LETTER 4: Fox gets ready to leave from his honeymoon when Falco whines about attending Slippy's art show. But with Katt breaking up with him and Fox still on honeymoon, Slippy's art show is the least of Falco's problems.
1. Chapter 1

FROM: punkrock83

TO: proudmccloud -URGENT PRIORITY-

SUBJECT: why do I have to type a subject in this thing

FOX!

youre not gonna believe whats happening here. I am THIS CLOSE! to tearing my feathers out I swear to God. I don't care that you were trying to help, I am DONE with slippy being my room mate!

why did you stick me with him! Do you know how long its gonna take to fumigate his apartment! THREE DAYS! three days of MY MOM MAKES MY FOOD BETTER THAN YOU! MY MOM USED TO IRON MY CLOTHES FOR ME! FALCO WHAT ARE YOU DOING! HOW DO YOU GET YOUR BED TO SHAKE LIKE THAT!

Why did you have to leave me with him now! I have no one in their right mind to talk to. Katts gone PMS, Peppys gone out of the state, Bills gone who knows where, and Im going nucking FUTS!

happy honeymoon

falco


	2. Chapter 2

FROM: punkrock83

TO: All Accounts -URGENT PRIORITY-

SUBJECT: im not typing a subject in this thing

MCLOUD!

Why did you have to go away now! I need you back here. Havent you two shacked up already! the actions gonna wind down at some point you know. its not like she married farmer brown for his prized cock if you know what i mean.

I have had it with him I swear to God. I am about to chuck my laptop at him. I was listening to music and Slippy puts on his Ipod on the speakers. Do you know how he listens to his music! He skips to parts of one of his songs and listens to it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! hey nice suggestion. WHY CANT YOU BOTH JUST GET ALONG! give me an effing break.

then I watch the tv and he just walks up and turns off the tv in front of me and tells me how he doesnt want to go to his house to watch the bugs over there die. HOW THE HELL DID HE GET SO ANNOYING!

I would put up with it ALL if it wasnt for his mood swings. He asks me five questions a minute about nothing! and when I tell him to screw off he throws a fit and calls me a jerk! And then he says hes sorry with this big innocent face and then if I dont respond to him just right then he throws another hissy fit. Why doesnt he go to the vet and have his ovaries removed! I dont think you realize something Mccloud...Without you, its just me and HIM. Which will be great since there wont be any witnesses. maybe I should have HIM fumigated.

falco


	3. Chapter 3

FROM: Fox "proudmccloud"

TO: Falco "punkrock83"

SUBJECT: RE: why do I have to type a subject in this thing

First of all, do NOT use Urgent Priority in your emails again. Ever. I haven't even been gone a day, and the only crisis I'm hearing about is you.

Here's a news flash, Falco. I DON'T CARE about your crisis! It was our first morning together, and my computer's alarm went off. We have to keep it open at night so we don't miss any important messages. Do you know how freaked out she was? She was about to call for an emergency clearance back to the base until we saw THIS in my inbox.

_MCLOUD!_

_Why did you have to go away now! I need you back here. Havent you  
two shacked up already! the actions gonna wind down at some point you  
know. its not like she married farmer brown for his prized cock if you  
know what i mean._

Did you know you sent that to EVERY PILOT on the freaking payroll? Next time, find my name in the list. Don't click "Send to All" unless you're comfortable making a jackass out of yourself, which you are.

Don't send stuff Urgent Priority again unless my life depends on it. I don't want the entire Cornerian Defense Force thinking me and Krys are total sluts.

~ Fox


	4. Chapter 4

FROM: Slippy Toad "silly_willy_walnut_head"

TO: greyhound222, peppyh61, proudmccloud, punkrock83, misskitty86

SUBJECT: HI!1!

Hi guys! Just checking in. Hey roommate buddy! Whats the matter with ya? *LAUGHS* Falco's not happy.

Hey, wish me luck at the art show! I wish you guys could be here to see the sculpture I did. Oh, well...

-me


	5. Chapter 5

FROM: punkrockfalcon

TO: proudmccloud

SUBJECT: FFFMMMLLL!

MCCLOUD i swear to god this is the final straw. I did everything you said, hes my roommate, im treating him nice, i am not blowing up at him. I am putting up with him SNORRING so loud he wakes up everyone in the f***ing complex! I am NOT! lugging slippys sculpture to the art show I swear to god!

How the hell did I get caught with him! Do you know what he sculpted! DO YOU! Its a half naked beefcake lion flexing and wearing a crown on it's head! I'M NOT helping a little gay toad lug in a big gay sculpture. and the things TEN FEET TALL and when im lugging this thing in...MY HEAD is gonna be next to this lions THONG! Do you know how wrong that is!

o btw im NOT a homophobe, get a grip. i never thought I'd ask this but could you pray for me, That GOD WOULD DELIVER ME FROM MY ENEMIES! either that or HE sends down lightening to strike this freaking lion hulk.

fml.

falco


	6. Chapter 6

FROM: proudmccloud

TO: punkrockfalcon

SUBJECT: READ THIS MESSAGE, BIRDBRAIN!

—

Use your freaking email! Cornerian Defense is processing intel from all over the galaxy, and then they come across a message that gets flagged with the phrase "whack off". How the hell do you get flagged by using "whack off"? Did you put that feature in the system? I'll email you when I'm ready to, so don't use military channels.

All right, now I get to vent. Since he doesn't have my login password for CorComm, I get to say this. Slippy's driven me crazy ever since I first met him. With him, its one headache after another. He's weird, he's WAY too sensitive, and he's nearly gotten us killed. All I know is, we owe him. He saved your butt with his Landmaster—not once, not twice, but five times. Yeah, I keep track. Because the next time anyone owes him, it's not going to be me or Krystal.

~ Fox


	7. Chapter 7

FROM: punkrockfalcon

TO: proudmccloud

SUBJECT:

HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!

yeah I put that in the system! Peppy just called me too. He told me to stop using corcomm and have whack off deleted. so ok i will. but im not telling him about all the other words ive got in there! just a hint, dont write the word bang. HAHA!

ok so I went to your house and got the package you ordered. When I came back home I stepped into heaven. Slippys off with his friends until tomorrow. Now i can type you a message without him looking over my shoulder every two seconds. or him waking me up to ask me where the milk is. or him snoring loud enough to wake up everyone in the whole complex. HOT DAMN!

anyway guess what he did three hours ago. He won. the effing. ART SHOW. Yeah i don't believe it either. I guess if you sculpt a naked beefcake lion and put a crown on his head its called art. i dont know how anyone can wack off to that. BTW, looks like their going to have to fumigate his place three MORE days. I dont care what you believe in Fox, the past week has officially convinced me there is no god.

You know how you said theres gotta be SOMETHING good about Slippy being here. And no its not because of male bonding or whatever. its like stepping out in the summer when its 90 degrees. The more youre out in the heat the better it feels when its finally over.

Me and Katt talked and were going out. is something bugging her that i dont know about! she just about hung up on me.

falco


	8. Chapter 8

FROM: phare

TO: proudmccloud

SUBJECT: FW: About the code translators...

Son,

I hope you both are having a good honeymoon. I'm proud of you both. But I have some news for you...there's something coming up that I need you on as soon as you can. Don't worry about Krystal, she won't be going on the mission. Unfortunately, I can't put anyone else on it but you.

Thanks for letting me know about Falco's little stunts. Here's what I told him:

_Hi, Falco,  
I swear, when I saw what you did to all the messaging systems and code translators, I laughed for a good  
ten minutes. But really, Falco, you've got to get rid of all the words you put in...and I mean all **79** of them._

And here's how he replied:

_damn._

He handled that better than I thought!

You said Slippy was rooming with him? If I were you, I'd call Slippy and tell him to skedaddle, or Falco will really go off. Slippy's carving another...er, uh...sculpture. And I heard he wants to use Falco as the model.

Take care,  
Peppy


	9. Chapter 9

FROM: punkrock83

TO: proudmccloud

SUBJECT: Youd better answer this mccloud

MCCLOUD!

me and katt went out the other night and she wanted to sit with me while we eat. and then she wants to tell me why shes been off on the other side of the world. She gets a call and her whole face lights up, and its some guy named Justin. She talks to him like shes known him forever. I hear him say, what are you doing, and she looks over at me. She says...im just with a coworker.

Yeah. I'm just a coworker. really nice.

ok so the guy says something else and she says, yeah sure ill be there. and then she hangs up the phone and she turns to me and says, im sorry you had to hear it like that, didnt Fox tell you about my new boyfriend!

Mccloud I don't care where you are or what youre doing, but if you dont answer this email and start telling me what the hell is going on, you can forget about having me at your welcome home. Im not smart but i know a coverup when i see one. And since when did you start keeping score and pinning Slippy on me! Its like you've saved up points so you wouldn't have to do anything for him ever! You sure know how to screw people and Im not just talking about how you screwed your g.f. because you couldnt wait.

falco


	10. Chapter 10

FROM: proudmccloud

TO: misskitty86

SUBJECT: Mission accomplished

—

Hey Katt,

We got Falco back. I don't know what his problem is, but he needed to know that he still loves you. Look, this Justin guy—I don't know how you picked him, but you got it right. He's everything that Falco is and more. If he was really your boyfriend, Falco would be a freaking wreck.

Krys and I are on our way home. Those pictures you showed me from your trip to the cove...you were right, they're nothing compared to seeing it for yourself. And don't tell anyone about this, but I got a call from Peppy a while ago. Fine time, too, since Krys was showering. He wouldn't say what's going on, but it sounds like I need to leave for a while. Whatever you can do, just make sure you remind the commander about the leave.

Thanks,

~ Fox


	11. Chapter 11

FROM: misskitty86

TO: proudmccloud

SUBJECT: RE: Mission accomplished

—

um...hi, Fox,

I hate to break it to you but he really is my boyfriend now. Could you just let Falco know...it'd be better coming from you.

And please don't keep calling me about this...I'm already bugged enough, and I need time to think. Sorry... :(

katt


End file.
